I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
