I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
