I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
