Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
