well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
