if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
