Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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