you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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