why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
