i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
