I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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