hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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