i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
