My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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