You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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