My Higher Power is John Stamos
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
