i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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