Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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