Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
