well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
