dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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