Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
