And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
