I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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