He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
