In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
