I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
