Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
