The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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