I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
