He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
