I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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