Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize