Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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