Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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