remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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