Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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