First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
