I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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