I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
