He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
