How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
