I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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