btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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