just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
