im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
