im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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