I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
