It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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