You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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