I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
God, I missed his penis.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
