I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
