It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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