No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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