she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize