Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
