Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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