why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
