I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
