He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
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